Mr. Love Pants
Released June 1998
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Side 1 |
Side 2 |
What did you learn in school today?
Jack shit
The minute the teacher turns away
That's it
How many times were you truly intrigued?
Not any
Is boredom a symptom of mental fatigue?
Not many
When have you ever been top of the class?
Not once
What will you be when you're out on your arse?
A dunce
What are your prospects of doing quite well?
Too small
And what will you have at the very last bell?
Fuck all
You can't bear another's beauty, you can't emulate a grace
You can't filch another's mystery, occupy another's space
You can't do another's duty, or take a special place
In another person's history when they've sunk without a trace
What's the reward for being a berk?
A blank
Thick as a plank and looking for work
What a wank
What do you think of the Welfare State?
It's a fake
What have they handed you on a plate?
The ache
Have you considered how lucky you are?
Well shucks
What do you think of the system so far?
It sucks
Aren't you endowed with the patience of Job?
I wish
Don't you feel ready to conquer the globe?
Oh fish
You can't steal another's thunder, you can't fill a great divide
You can't steer another's fancy, you can't change another's side
Not undo another's blunder nor pretend another's pride
You can't offer necromancy till the final hope has died
I'm a second class person citizen wise,
This is something I must recognise
It's not my place to make complaint,
But am I happy? No, I ain't
I missed my chance when I was young,
Now I live below the bottom rung
I was put on earth to discover my niche;
Oh Lord, won't you make me Nouveau Riche?
You can't bear another's beauty, you can't emulate a grace
You can't filch another's mystery, occupy another's space
You can't do another's duty, or take a special place
In another person's history when they've sunk without a trace
You can't steal another's thunder, you can't fill a great divide
You can't steer another's fancy, you can't change another's side
Not undo another's blunder nor pretend another's pride
You can't offer necromancy till the final hope has died
When we were simple and naïve
We wore our feelings on our sleeve
As we've grown jaded and corrupt
Our manner's guarded and abrupt
Oh, how we'd smile most readily
Whilst ploughing on unsteadily
Now frowns are etched upon our face
We can no longer stand the pace
Although we've got to go, with the passing show
It doesn't ever mean, we haven't made the scene
And what we think we know, to what is really so
Is but a smithereen, of what it might have been
We'd sing in gay abandon then
We'd get it wrong and try again
As here we brood with doubts assailed
Nothing ventured, nothing failed
When life itself can chart the course
Then life's the product we endorse
When circumstances tell of death
We keep our counsel, save our breath
Although we've got to go, with the passing show
It doesn't ever mean, we haven't made the scene
And what we think we know, to what is really so
Is but a smithereen, of what it might have been
Our laughter rang around the world
When we were happy boys and girls
As now we baulk and hesitate
Encumbrance comes to those who wait
But when we're torn from mortal coil
We leave behind a counterfoil
It's what we did and who we knew
And that's what makes this story true
Although we've got to go, with the passing show
It doesn't ever mean, we haven't made the scene
And what we think we know, to what is really so
Is but a smithereen, of what it might have been
Although we've got to go, with the passing show
It doesn't ever mean, we haven't made the scene
And what we think we know, to what is really so
Is but a smithereen, of what it might have been
Every day I look at you
And every day there's something new
About you
When I look into your eyes
There's many things I recognise
About you
Every time I hold your hand
I'm learning how to understand
About you
Got more than love enough to spare
And I'm not going anywhere
Without you
You're my baby
You're my baby
You're my baby
You're my baby
Come excursions or alarms
I'll be there to put my arms
Around you
The joy I get to see you smile
There'll be gladness all the while
Around you
Proudly at your beck and call
I'll make sure that love is all
Around you
Loving you is purity
Blankets of security
Surround you
You're my baby
You're my baby
You're my baby
You're my baby
Every day I look at you
And every day there's something new
About you
Got more than love enough to spare
And I'm not going anywhere
Without you
You're my baby
You're my baby
You're my baby
You're my baby
You're my baby
You're my baby
You're my baby
You're my baby
Exploring every avenue of love on the honeysuckle highway
Eschewing every vestige of regret we gaily slip along
Displaying all the evidence of mirth on the daffodyllic byway
And needing no excuse to have a laugh 'cos we're doing nothing wrong
You want magic? I'll provide it
You want daydream? You're inside it
You want mystery? It will find you
You've got moonbeam right behind you
Cruising down carnality canal in my canoe can I canoodle?
Rounding every bending that we're wending in a loopy disarray
Evincing all the properties of rapture with a sybaritic splendour
And shedding every nagging little footle that is getting in the way
You want magic? I can do it
You want lovelight? Nothing to it
You want everything to be groovy?
You got me now, let's get moving
Come with me where the air is free
And spirits can in harmony unite
Swim with me in the rainbow sea
We're strangers to catastrophe tonight
Where all the clocks tell different times
And no one finds the time to be uptight
Where sweet suggestions grow on trees
And love explodes as well indeed it might
Exploring every avenue of love on the honeysuckle highway
And needing no excuse to have a laugh 'cos we're doing nothing wrong
You want magic? Well, you've got it
You want licence? I forgot it
You want romance? Let's get busy
I've got magic to make you dizzy
Come with me to the special place
The first thing you get on your face, a smile
As secrets flourish in their space
So love will cherish every grace and style
When pressure's on another case
We get along without a trace of bile
Though memories we'll ne'er erase
Our happiness can run apace meanwhile
You wore a bandana, I wore navy blue
We met in Havana at quarter past two
Across the Savannah and down to the beach
You munched a banana, I nibbled a peach
You played a small solo, I muffled a drum
You offered a polo, I stuck with my gum
I danced a light polka, you threw a few hoops
I was Oscar Homolka, you were Marjorie Proops
I took out all the seats and away I went
It's a right old banger and the chassis bent
It's got a great big peace sign across the back
And most of the windows have been painted black
The windshield's cracked, it's a bugger to drive
It starts making smoke over thirty five
It's a psychedelic nightmare with a million leaks
It's home sweet home to some sweet arse freaks
Slow down itinerant child, the road is full of danger
Slow down itinerant child, there's no more welcome stranger
Soon I was rumbling through the morning fog
With my long-haired children and my one-eyed dog
With the trucks and the buses and the trailer vans
My long throw horns playing Steely Dan
We straggled out for miles along the Beggar's Hill
And the word came down that we'd lost Old Bill
You can bet your boots I'm coming when the times are hard
That's why they keep my dossier at Scotland Yard
Slow down itinerant child, you're still accelerating
Slow down itinerant child, the boys in blue are waiting
Itinerant child, don't do what you're doing
Itinerant child, you'd better slow down
We drove into Happy Valley seeking peace and love
With a lone helicopter hanging up above
We didn't realise until we hit the field
There were four hundred cozzers holding riot shields
They terrorised our babies and they broke our heads
It's a stone fucking miracle there's no one dead
They turned my ramshackle home into a burning wreck
My one-eyed dog got a broken neck
Slow down itinerant child, the road is full of danger
Slow down itinerant child, there's no more welcome stranger
Slow down itinerant child, you're still accelerating
Slow down itinerant child, the boys in blue are waiting
I'm in love with the person in the sandwich centre
If she didn't exist I'd have to invent her
There isn't any secret to my frequent visits
It's the way she makes them and they're all exquisite
I'm in love with the person in the sandwich centre
Enamoured of the magic of her fresh polenta
My temperature rises and my pulses quicken
When she gets cracking with the coronation chicken
Geraldine, Geraldine
I know there's much more to life than the physical side
I should put these thoughts on hold
But when she's buttering my baguette
My blood runs hot and cold
Geraldine, G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-Geraldine
Geraldine, G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G
I'm in love with the person in the sandwich centre
I'm living for the moment that I next frequent her
In beauty's eyes beholding my inamorata
As she works her wonders on a dried tomato
Geraldine, Geraldine
I know there's much more to life than the sensual side
The spiritual should come first
But when she's buttering my baguette
I think I'm going to burst
Geraldine, that's the nicest badge I've ever seen
Geraldine, you make the world seem fresh and clean
Geraldine, G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-Geraldine
Geraldine
G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G
G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G
G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-Geraldine
G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-Geraldine
G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-Geraldine
G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G-G
If you're cold, well here's a plan
Pull the plug out of your fan
If you're hot, now here's a scheme
Park your botty in the stream
If you're tired, check this plot
Seek a source that hits the spot
If you're snooty, here's a ploy
Stroll along the hoi polloi
(Cacka Boom)
You'll not have owt to show for it
If you don't go for it (Cacka Boom)
You'll have to come to terms with it,
Get on the firm with it (Cacka Boom)
If you don't get to grips with it,
You've had your chips with it (Cacka Boom)
You'll only come to rue it if you don't do it
If you're lost, well try this notion
Find yourself a magic potion (Cacka Boom)
If you're angry, check this wheeze
Count to ten and then say "cheese" (Cacka Boom)
If you're uptight here's the answer
Learn to be a belly dancer (Cacka Boom)
If you're cornered, suss a wangle
Try it from a different angle
(Cacka Boom)
Now you can put a name to it
You must lay claim to it (Cacka Boom)
You'll have time to regret it
If you don't go and get it (Cacka Boom)
You won't have much to talk about
If you don't go on walkabout (Cacka Boom)
Don't think you won't mind it
If you don't try and find it
No one said you must be good as gold
It's what you haven't done
That matters when you're old
No one said these things are pre-ordained
Nothing ventured...
If you're guilty, cop a stroke
You only did it for a joke
If you're dozy, here's a tactic
Tell 'em all they're too didactic
If you're fed up, here's a wrinkle
Let your pianoforte tinkle
If you're wobbling here's a trick
Happy go toilet, click, click, click
Now you can put a name to it
You must lay claim to it (Cacka Boom)
You'll have time to regret it
If you don't go and get it (Cacka Boom)
You won't have much to talk about
If you don't go on walkabout (Cacka Boom)
Don't think you won't mind it
If you don't try and find it (Cacka Boom)
(Cacka Boom), (Cacka Boom), (Cacka Boom)
(Cacka Boom), (Cacka Boom), (Cacka Boom)
(Cacka Boom), (Cacka Boom), (Cacka Boom)
(Cacka Boom), (Cacka Boom), (Cacka Boom)
(Cacka Boom), (Cacka Boom), (Cacka Boom)
(Cacka Boom), (Cacka Boom), (Cacka Boom)
(Cacka Boom), (Cacka Boom), (Cacka Boom)
(Cacka Boom), (Cacka Boom), (Cacka Boom)
(Cacka Boom), (Cacka Boom), (Cacka Boom)
(Cacka Boom), (Cacka Boom), (Cacka Boom)
(Cacka Boom), (Cacka Boom), (Cacka Boom)
Ow!
I've done a lot of things I wished I hadn't
There's other things I never hope to do
But sliding off the map in both directions
Is the sorry mess I made of knowing you
I've seen a lot of things I wished I hadn't
There's other things I never hope to see
But no one left alive could paint the picture
Of the mess that knowing you has made of me
I knew it wouldn't be a bed of roses
I've seen the bloody grind that love entails
But one door shuts and then another closes
And now I'm on a bloody bed of nails
Been told a lot of things I wished I hadn't
There's other things I never want to know
But sliding off the scale of least remembrance
Is the way you chose to tell me where to go
I've been a lot of things I wished I hadn't
There's other things I never hope to be
But no one left alive could tell the story
Of what I was once you'd got done with me
I knew it might turn out to be a schtumer
Nothing would surprise me anymore
You robbed me of my natural sense of humour
And then you nailed my bollocks to the door
I knew it might turn out to be a schtumer
Nothing would surprise me anymore
You robbed me of my natural sense of humour
And nailed my poor cojones to the door
Heavy living is the life that I've led
See the daylight through a curtain of red
Stands to reason why I'm staying in bed
Heavy living off the top of my head
Heavy living, uh, I know it too well
Every creak on the stairway to Hell
Double vision and a terrible smell
Heavy living at the hard luck hotel
Heavy sausage is the price you pay
When you're on a corroder
Heavy bangers is another way
To let yourself go
Heavy living's the condition I'm in
I wished I hadn't if I knew where I'd been
The air is cold, the membrane is thin
Heavy living's getting under my skin
Heavy sausage is the price you pay
At the café doolally
Heavy bangers has a special way
Of saying hello
Heavy cricket on a cloudy day
Heavy chukkas till the close of play
Heavy living is the way I'll stay
As if I don't know
Heavy living is the life that I've led
Passion spent, nobility fled
Stands to reason why I'm staying in bed
Heavy living off the top of my head
Heavy shitters is the price you pay when
You're on a corroder
Heavy bangers is another way
To let yourself go
Heavy make-up for the matinée
Heavy curtains at the cabaret
Heavy living is the way I'll stay
As if I don't know
Heavy sausage is the dish of the day
Heavy bangers on the roundelay
Heavy living is the way I'll stay,
As if I don't know
He's got his little Y-fronts and he's got his little vest
He's got his little parting in his hair
He's got his little trousers and he's got his little shoes
And he wants a bit of Wembley up his you-know-where
He's got his little jacket and he's got his little shirt
He's got his little motif on his tie
He's got his little raincoat and he's got his little hat
And he wants a bit of Wembley up his I yi yi
Don't call Harry a human potato
Don't call Harry a spud
Don't call Harry a walking King Edward
Harry's made of flesh and blood
He's got his little office and he's got his little chair
He's got his little cactus in its pot
He's got his little memos and he's got his little job
And he wants a bit of Wembley up his you-know-what
He's got his little pension and he's got his little plan
He's got his little policy in hand
He's got his little lap-top and he's got his little pen
And he wants a bit of Wembley up his Rio Grande
Don't call Harry a human potato
Don't fry Harry tonight
Don't give Harry a chip on his shoulder
Harry's doing alright
Mash it up, mash it up, mash it up Harry
Mash it up, mash it up, mash it up Harry
Mash it up, mash it up, mash it up Harry
Mash it up, mash it up, mash it up Harry
He's got his little mortgage and he's got his little lounge
He's got his little bit of England to defend
He's got his little telly and he's got his little phone
And he wants a bit of Wembley up his Ponder's End
He's got his little garden and he's got his little shed
He's got his little mower on the grass
He's got his little garage and he's got his little car
And he wants a bit of Wembley up his Khyber Pass
Don't call Harry a human potato
Don't roast him on a spike
I think Harry's a real golden wonder
Let Harry be the Spud-U-Like
Don't call Harry a human potato
Don't call Harry a spud
Don't call Harry a walking King Edward
Harry's made of flesh and blood
Mash it up, mash it up, mash it up Harry
Mash it up, mash it up, mash it up Harry
Mash it up, mash it up, mash it up Harry
Mash it up, mash it up, mash it up Harry
We're on our way to Wembley; we're on the Wembley Way
We're on our way to Wembley; we're on the Wembley Way
We're on our way to Wembley; we're on the Wembley Way
We're on our way to Wembley; we're on the Wembley Way
We're on our way to Wembley; we're on the Wembley Way
We're on our way to Wembley; we're on the Wembley Way
We're on our way to Wembley; we're on the Wembley Way
We're on our way to Wembley; we're on the Wembley Way
We're on our way to Wembley; we're on the Wembley Way
We're on our way to Wembley; we're on the Wembley Way
We're on our way to Wembley; we're on the Wembley Way
We're on our way to Wembley
(After a 33 second pause)
Next piece is Tylor, scank and bark and reassemble,
Woof! Woooof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof!
Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof!
Down Boy! Down Boy! Down Boy! Down Boy!
Thank you
Copyright details - All compositions written by Ian Dury/Chaz
Jankel except Jack Shit George and Cacka Boom (Ian Dury/Merlin Rhys-Jones) and
Geraldine (Ian Dury/Mickey Gallagher)
Published by Templemill Music Ltd.
No infringement of copyright is intended. The purpose of this site
is purely to encourage the sales of Ian Dury and the Blockhead records and
allow fans to appreciate the clever lyrics and sing along with the songs.