The Bus Driver's Prayer
and Other Stories
Released November 1992
|
Side 1 |
Side 2 |
Here comes the postman, letters in his sack
Dear Auntie Mary, we'd love to have you back
Here come the letters, through the letterbox
Poor Georgina, has caught the chickenpox
Here come the cornflakes, here comes the milk
Read the morning paper, watch the Kilroy-Silk
Here comes a toothbrush, here comes a shit
Here comes a number 15, oh bollocks, I missed it
That's enough of that
That's enough of that
That's enough of that
That's enough of that
Here comes a journey, bus and train and foot
Crowded conditions, watch your foot where you put
Here comes the office, here comes the job
Get your bloody head down, shut your bloody gob
Here comes the evening, here comes a pub
Sink a pair of lagers, eat a bit of pub grub
Here comes a disco, here comes a piss
Here comes a holiday in San Francisco, here comes another 23 years of this
That's enough of that
That's enough of that
That's enough of that
That's enough of that
That's enough of that
That's enough of that
That's enough of that
That's enough of that
That's enough of that
That's enough of that
That's enough of that
That's enough of that
(Rock, roc,k rock, rock, rock, rock,
rock, rock)
Alright! I'm calling you from Harlingen, Texas
I'm telling you, friend, that I've got a son named
Scott Haley
Alright? You know all that jive, don't you, Jack?
We're gonna rock around the clock tonight
We're gonna rock around the clock tonight
We're gonna bop, gonna rock, around the clock tonight
I'm gonna have Captain Buddy Larrymore, the Chief of Police call you
'Cos now I've got your number
But you don't wanna listen, do you?
If a bobby needs a buddy, fucking from the right
If a body needs a buddy, make me sing it
I've got a lawyer in Philadelphia
I've got several lawyers in Philadelphia
I've got one of the things on Valley Brook
You tell me about the six foot seven guy that runs my publishing company
Thirteen women only one man around
There were thirteen women, only one running around
You tell me I didn't have the biggest Mexican record in Mexico?
Now, you see I collect loyalty from Mexico too, friend
'Cos I sing in the two languages
Everybody razzle-dazzle
Everybody razzle-dazzle
Everybody razzle-dazzle
The whole night through
I'm gonna have Captain Buddy Larrymore to call you
And if you want his phone number I'm gonna give it to you
You call him and tell him what you just heard
And he's gonna ask you how you got his phone number
And you're gonna be in jail
Hot-dog, maya maya
Hot-dog, maya maya
Hot-dog, maya maya
Hot-dog, all the time
Now, you'll keep your mouth shut, won't you?
'Cos I'm gonna give you a number in Miami Beach
And he'll shut your mouth
I seem to carry a little more weight tonight than I did, don't I?
He man, ho, the mambo rock
He man, ho, the mambo rock
He man, ho, the mambo rock
Everybody doing the mambo rock
Now, you hang on and wait just a second on this toll free line
Goodbye, don't ever call me, you don't have my number
I didn't give you any numbers
You cannot let Bill Hayley say anything and keep his mouth shut
Now, can I talk?
And when I'm finished talking then you can open your mouth
I do remember Philadelphia
Where's Buddy Larrymore? He's in Sicily
So if you see Lenny, tell him I wish you a Merry
Christmas
See you later, Alligator
In a mambo bar
See you later, Alligator
In a mambo bar
I'm Joey the Budgie, I'm a boy or a girl
I'm probably the most typical caged bird in the world
In Cranham or Hounslow I sit on my perch
Old Mother Nature's left me right in the lurch
This is my routine: first I ponder and peck
I look in the mirror and I shit on the deck
I try to fly, I bang my head
I think of something creative instead
I ruffle my feathers and have a good scratch
Spend at least half an hour trying to undo my catch
Not as though I want to be deleted by an owl
I've got to fight this awful situation somehow
Poor Joey (who's a pretty boy then?)
Poor Joey
Poor Joe
Poor Joey
A bundle of joy then
Poor Joey (hello)
How the ruddy hell does she expect me to speak
With half a ton of cuttlefish stuck in my beak?
I go into a moody, disdainfully preen
And just to upset her, mutter something obscene
I appreciate the difficulties of owning a pet
Speaking as a budgie, it's like Russian Roulette
I was bred for the purpose and I shouldn't complain
I know you'll forgive me when I sing this refrain
Poor Joey (everyone's a bastard)
Poor Joey
Poor Joe
Poor Joey
Every Christmas they try and get me plastered
Poor Joey (hello)
Joey the Budgie, I'm a boy or a girl
I'm probably the most typical caged bird in the world
In Cranham or Hounslow I sit on my perch
Old Mother Nature's left me right in the lurch
Poor Joey (who's a pretty boy then?)
Poor Joey
Poor Joe
Poor Joey
A bundle of joy then
Poor Joey (hello)
Poor Joey
Poor Joe
Poor Joey
Poor Joe
Poor Joey (who's a pretty boy then?)
Poor Joe (hello)
Poor Joey
Poor Joe
(cheerio)
Give me the quick quick slow
Give me the quick quick slow
Give me the quick quick slow
Give me the quick quick slow
Give me the quick quick slow
Get there before you go
Climbing upon my toes
Gives me the vertigo
No more fandango
Give me a tango
So much simpático
Give me the quick quick slow
Give me the quick quick slow
The one with the most appeal
Is played with a dirty feel
Similar are difficile
To hang out your balance wheel
Tougher than jangle
Give me the tangle
Rock me back on my heels
Bend your body down low
Give me the quick quick slow
Lay it down far below
Let's get on with the show
Give me the quick quick slow
Give me the quick quick slow
Give me the quick quick slow
Give me the quick quick slow
Give me the quick quick slow
Give me the quick quick slow
Give me the quick quick slow
Give me the quick quick slow
Fly in the ointment
Stain on the character
Dust on the wainscot
Hair on the gate
Bee in the bonnet
Ash on the waistcoat
Flake on the shoulder
Crack in the plate
Eye on the clock
Bat in the belfry
Head in the sand
Kick up the arse
Smudge on the collar
Hands in the paint
Flea in the ear
Snake in the grass
The further you love me
If that's what you said
Climb on the table
Pat on the bed
The further you love me
You were taking the piss-tic
Out of the frying pan
Into the mystic
Rock in the carpet
Gap in the market
The open umbrella
But wait in the hall
An old bit of gum
With nowhere to park it
Soldier of fortune
Ear on the wall
I thought that you loved me
'Cos that's how I felt
Kick in the bollocks
Under the belt
I thought that you loved me
Now I know I'm a prune
I wish for the window
Don't want to be rude
Knot in the hanky
Rat on the landing
Little bit hanging
Pain in the bum
Mind your own business
Only one standing
Wrong side of the bed
Terrible hum
I thought that you loved me
'Cos that's what you said
Grub on the table
Hat on your bed
I thought that you loved me
You were taking the piss-tic
Out of the frying pan
Into the mystic
Fresh mist on the morning and tears in my eyes
I'm back for the dawning of Donegal skies
My life in the city seems light years away
When I see the Blue Mountains from Ballybofey
Where the wanderers welcome is kindest of all
I've come back to my darling, my sweet Donegal
We'll meet at the cross on the Rathmullen Road
Where the sight of Loch Swilly is a beauty bestowed
As we're counting our blessings away from the throng
We will hear the wild birds sing their Donegal song
Where the stranger is welcome to a true free for all
They named you, my darling, my brave Donegal
I raise up my glass at the end of the day
God bless every sunset o'er Donegal Bay
Sure nothing is sweeter wherever I roam
As the smell of the turf of my Donegal home
Where there's always a welcome and a how-d'you-my-call
Forever my darling, my sweet Donegal
Forever my darling, my sweet Donegal
I took a sudden notion
To go down to the ocean
I got my suntan lotion
My flippers and my mask
In proper distribution
Of fully formed ablutions
Formed an ocean of pollution
In which I dare sn't bask
Some turds were teeny-tiny
And some were big and shiny
But they all fucked up the briney
In which I dipped my toe
If you go swimming in the shite-us
You'll get worse than dermititis
From the sea of grey detritus
Where the sewage ebbs and flows
There's no respite
From the cesspit
No shelter from the pong
The poor old ocean
Is full of motions
Where the hell did we go wrong?
Like a lamb off to the slaughter
Poured myself a glass of water
I failed to spot I'd caught a
Little creature in my cup
I was well and truly bolleaux-ed
From the fires of hell that followed
'Twas the cup of life I'd swallowed
And it almost did me up
Something coming
Through the plumbing
That should not be there at all
The glass is brimming
And things are swimming
And quite frankly, I'm appalled
Was a very hungry fella
I defrosted my paella
Came down with salmonella
Three weeks intensive care
They failed to send technicians in
To check the air-conditioning
Which was unfortunately transmissioning
A case of Legionnaire
There's a malaise
In the mayonnaise
There's a poo-poo in the prawn
Where we missed them
In the system
Little germs are being born
There's no respite
From the cesspit
There's no shelter from the pong
Where the hell did we go ....?
Gotta sign the rent book
Gotta do the laundry
Then there's the electric
The water and the gas
Haven't stopped moaning
Since we had the phone in
The television rental
Another bloody hass
Go up to the top of a very high mountain
Go up to the top of a fresh air hill
You can never stop when the money is counting
Worry till you drop, till you pay your bills
Got a rotten headache
Ready for a breakdown
The pressure of the pressure
Is more than I can bare
The awfulness is spreading
It's really done my head in
I think I've been selected
For more than my fair share
Go into the heart of the fresh air valley
Go and have a drink from the mountain stream
Go and have a word before you go doolally
Have a dicky bird with your self-esteem
Putting pen to paper
Applying for a loan
Ain't got no collateral
Nor's a cat in hell
The bailiff's on the knocker
I'm going off my rocker
And as regards contentment
I haven't had a smell
Go up to the top of a very high mountain
Go up to the top of a fresh air hill
You can never stop when the money is counting
Working till you drop, till you pay your bills
Go into the heart of the fresh air valley
Go and have a drink from the mountain stream
Go and have a word before you go doolally
Have a dicky bird with your self-esteem
Go up to the top of a very high mountain
Go up to the top of a fresh air hill
You can never stop when the money is counting
Worry till you drop, till you pay your bills
Go into the heart of the fresh air valley
Go and have a drink from the mountain stream
Go and have a word before you go doolally
Have a dicky bird with your self-esteem
I went and changed a pound for the Underground
The Bakerloo Northbound, 'cos I fancied coming round
The Bakerloo Northbound, 'cos you fancied coming round?
Hmm, the Bakerloo Northbound, 'cos I fancied coming round
Well, I'm very glad you did, and I'm glad you paid a quid
I'd go and put the kettle on if I could find the lid
Oh, you'd go and put the kettle on if you could find the lid?
Yes, I'd go and put the kettle on if I could find the lid
Please allow me to agree 'cos I'd love a cup of tea
And I'd risk it for a biscuit, as I said, well, you
know me
You'd risk it for a biscuit? As I said, well I know you
Yes, I'd risk it for a biscuit, as I said, you know me
No sooner said than done, aren't you the lucky one?
We're out of chocolate 'ollies, would you like a
Chelsea bun?
Oh, you're out of chocolate 'ollies, ooh, I'd love a
Chelsea bun
Since we're out of chocolate 'ollies you must have a Chelsea bun
That's a very tasty hat, where d'you have to go for that?
It's the first one that I've seen that doesn't make your face look fat
Ooh, it's the first one that you've seen
that doesn't make my face look fat?
Yes, it's the first one that I've seen that doesn't make your face look fat
I got it down the Lane where the prices are insane
I could have got the houndstooth but I rather liked the plain
Ooh, you could have got the houndstooth but you rather liked the plain?
Yes, I could have got the houndstooth but I rather liked the plain
Ooh, it doesn't half look sweet, it's more than half a proper treat
It's a monkey to a pony that there's more than half a sheep
Ooh, it's a monkey to a pony that there's more than half a sheep?
Yes, it's a monkey to a pony that there's more than half a sheep
Hmm, I wonder
MOO! - Hello!
I'm D'Orine the Cow, Tom the Bull's better half
My daughter's called Daisy, she's a very nice calf
When I'm all finished milking and chewing the cud
Mr. Meatface the butcher will be after my blood
'Cos I'm D'Orine Cow
I'm D'Orine the Cow
I'm somebody's quarter-pound hamburger bun
And somebody's trousers now
BAA! - Hello!
I'm Loppy the Lamb from the heart of the shire
My texture's too coarse for your fashion attire
So soon I'll be bound for the abattoir's slab
Slaughtered and frozen for doner kebab
'Cos I'm Loppy the Lamb
I'm Loppy the Lamb
I seem to have gambolled my short life away
I'm a sandwich instead of a ram
CLUCK! CLUCK! CLUCK! CLUCK! Morning! - CLUCK!, CLUCK!
I'm Mary the Chicken, the result of research
In the dark with no feathers and wedged on this perch
Pieces go missing when chickens collide
Oh bury my bones with your Kentucky Fried
'Cos I'm Mary the Chicken
I'm Mary the Chicken
You wouldn't eat me if you knew where I'd been
You'd be heart stricken
SNORT!
I'm Jonathon Pig and I'm fearsomely stout
From the tip of my tail to the snuff of my snout
I'm too fat to move and I'm too young to die
So think about me next time you eat a pork-pie
'Cos I'm Jonathon Pig
I'm Jonathon Pig
My ears have gone into the sausage machine
And so has my thingumajig
My thingumajig
As a person you're warm and reliable
This will always stand you in good stead
Your star is in the ascendant at the moment
This could mean you will receive a large amount of bread
Your friends will remain fiercely loyal in stormy times
Your the kind of spirit who likes to think ahead
You're going on a journey to far off sunny climes
Your lucky flower is in bloom, your lucky colour's red
Sealed with a kiss in a blue envelope
Delivered with pleasure is your horoscope, horoscope, horoscope
Some changes are occurring in the next few weeks
A long standing problem will be sorted out at last
Don't expect miracles but look on the bright side
When you're in a hurry nothing happens fast
Stand by your beliefs because your star is genuine
Look towards the future, don't dwell on the past
Your animal's the elephant, your lucky bird's the penguin
And while you wish upon a star your universe is vast
Don't be afraid of the slippery slope
There's a new day tomorrow in your horoscope, horoscope, horoscope
It's time to embark on that dreamt about project
Throw caution to the winds and build that sailing boat
Answer that letter, it means so much to hear from you
Mum's kept every single word you ever wrote
Always keep your own counsel in matters of the heart
But don't despair when the love sign seems remote
In a matter of moments life can make a fresh start
Though your heart feels like sinking, keep your spirit afloat
When things can ensue from a glimmer of hope
You can steer by the stars in your horoscope
(When things can ensue from a glimmer of hope
You can steer by the stars in your horoscope)
Don't be afraid of the slippery slope
There's a new day tomorrow in your horoscope
(Don't be afraid of the slippery slope
There's a new day tomorrow in your horoscope)
Sealed with a kiss in a blue envelope
Delivered with pleasure is your horoscope, horoscope, horoscope
There's no such thing as heartache
Tomorrow you'll be gone
There's no such thing as yesterday
The memory lingers on
There's no such thing as thank you
When no one hears your please
There's no such thing as helping out
But kneeling on my knees
There's no such thing as change your mind
Salvation from above
There's no time like the present
There's no such thing as love
There no such thing as lonely
The well's been dry too long
There's no such thing as turn around
Back where you belong
There's no such thing as easing out
When squeeze becomes a shove
There's no change out of sixpence
There's no such things as love
There's no such thing as heartache
Tomorrow you'll be gone
There's no such thing as yesterday
The memory lingers on
There's no such thing as change your mind
Salvation from above
There's no time like the present
There's no such thing as love
Two old dogs without a name
Trucking down the road to glory
Seeking not to blaze in fame
But to leave a blazing story
Being roadies is their game
Rough of trouser, hair of hoary
They're the ones you cannot tame
Backline front and morning Tory
Theirs, the lifestyle that surpasses
They're the coolest of the classes
Yours is blonde and mine's got glasses
Give them both their backstage passes
Euro dogs without a draw
Punching down the road to Stuttgart
Not 'til Munich will they score
There's just enough to have a kick start
Put the pedal through the floor
Whack this mother down the ausbahn
Band get in at half-past four
Sound check, sandwich and a sweetheart
Getting gear in, they're the masters
Couldn't rig it any faster
Break a leg in a disaster
Fix it with a sticky plaster
Two old dogs who know their gig
Piling feedback through the wedges
Hanging off the lighting rig
Miles of flex along the ledges
Twenty thousand make that big
Get more in around the edges
Turn up sweaty at the lig
Such the perks and privileges
They're the hardest of the grafters
Load the truck up to the rafters
Hear the sound of roadies laughter
In the hotel for their afters
Our Father
Who art in Hendon
Harrow Road be thy name
Thy Kingston come
Thy Wimbledon
In Erith as it is in Hendon
Give us this day our Berkhampstead
And forgive us our Westminsters
As we forgive those who Westminster against us
Lead us not into Temple Station
But deliver us from Ealing
For thine is the Kingston
The Purley and the Crawley
For Iver and Iver
Crouch End
Copyright details - All compositions written by Ian Dury with either Chaz Jankel, Mickey Gallagher, Merlin Rhys-Jones or
Michael McEvoy.
Published by Templemill Music Ltd and
Warner Music UK Ltd.
No infringement of copyright is intended. The purpose of this site
is purely to encourage the sales of Ian Dury and the Blockhead records and
allow fans to appreciate the clever lyrics and sing along with the songs.