Laughter
Released November 1980
'Till I met her, I thought I knew the answers
I thought a bit of treatment was all a body needs
I'll take you where the haps are
All the handsome chaps are
Squeeze you 'till I make your feelings bleed
She put me right in under fifteen minutes
She could have had my things off, so sadly was I raised
I had a lot to learn, dear
If I'd gone on the turn, dear
It wouldn't be surprising nowadays
You know she's Superman's big sister
Her x-ray eyes see through my silly ways
Superman's big sister, superior skin and blister
It doesn't seem surprising nowadays... yeah!
Superman's big sister
Superman's big sister
Superman's big sister
Superman's big sister
I said she's Superman's big sister
It doesn't seem surprising nowadays
And now I've had the sense to keep her friendship
And though I nearly miffed it in many little ways
The story's got no sequel
'Cos me and her are equal
Is that so surprising nowadays?
Because she's Superman's big sister
Her x-ray eyes see through my silly ways
I said she's Superman's big sister, his grown up skin and blister
Is that so surprising nowadays?
New digs and prospects of a job
New digs and prospects ............
Have I been half interested 'till now?
Breath and armpits feet
For Christ's sake please stay sweet
An ever present threat of hands that want to sweat
My head aches and I'm bursting for a piss
Why should I subject myself to this?
Pardon, sort of, oh
Pardon, you know, oh
Pardon, um, oh
Pardon, er, oh
My dreams could come true if I make the right impression
Hope it looks OK
I had it done today
Was that me who laughed?
Oh God I feel so daft
Think I've got a new one on my nose
Don't I look a lemon in these clothes?
Pardon, sort of, oh
Pardon, you know, oh
Pardon, um, oh
Pardon, er, oh
Do these smells belong to me?
Must not laugh or crawl
Dear dandruff do not fall
My stomach heaving chap
Make me a proper prat
My head aches and I need to be excused
Tell the truth you don't seem too amused
Pardon, sort of, oh
Pardon, you know, oh
Pardon, um, oh
Pardon, er, oh
Pardon, sort of, oh
Pardon, you know, oh
Pardon, um, oh
Pardon, er, oh
Pardon, sort of, oh
Pardon, you know, oh
Pardon, um, oh
Pardon, er, oh
Bee aye bickybye bo-bo-bo
I've got a gal that I love so
Delusions of grandeur, delusions of grandeur
I'm a dedicated follower of my own success
I can handle the glamour and cope with the stress
Deal with the doughnuts and please all the rest
I'm polite to the punters and I'm street to the press
I just won a trophy from a radio station
I'm leaving my bat and my balls to the nation
I've got megalomania I've got megalomania
To be a twinkle in the showbiz dream
To which effect I do connive and scheme
I dive into the dairy and I lap up all the cream
I'm up to the armpits in self-esteem
Stiff me, hype me, up the charts
Then I can go public with my private parts
And here is me, oh look at me
Just another pathetic pop star
I love you Greta, what else is there?
Won't you please accept my hand?
Delusions of grandeur, delusions of grandeur
Megalomania, megalomania
Delusions of grandeur, delusions of grandeur
Megalomania, megalomania
Delusions of grandeur, delusions of grandeur
Megalomania, megalomania
Delusions of grandeur, delusions of grandeur
Megalomania, megalomania
Delusions of grandeur, delusions of grandeur
Hey Paula, come here
When I see you not to look at
And all that and so on
And that's a fact and so forth
And all that and thereabouts
And that's the truth
And not to look at either
No fear
You think I'm wrong I think
I think you're right
I think I think you're wrong
You think I think I think
And then again again
And then and then
And then and then
Again again and then
And then again again
And then and then again
Again again again
And if not why not
If
And if not why why
Why not
And if not why not
Of course it might be old
Course it might be busy
Being as it might be
As it could be new
Hey Paula
I'm hoping desperately
You will take me to see a good
And also you and me might want to share a flat together
If I get one fitted
And if not why not not
Not if or why
Or if not not
And then again again again
First thing first thing first thing to go
And why not if not if not why not why if not if if why why why
Yes and no
Yes and no
Yes and no
I'm not Jack Palance
Have you got a party hat?
Can't you show more restraint?
Have you got a clarinet?
Have you got a box of paint?
Yes and no
Yes and no
Yes and no
What what what what what what what what what what what what
what what what what what what what what what what what what
Oh, let's get up and let's get excited
It's a public party and you're all invited
Let's cut the custard, see the mustard
Please hold steady 'till we're maladjusted
Sing boop-ba-de-boop, sing twiddle-de-de
Invite the Germans home for tea
Let them mock and let them sneer
The wise young crackpot knows no fear
The emancipation that's sweeping the nation
When it seemed that the world was sunk
You can bet your boots on your own pursuits
History is bunk
From Rosemary Clooney to Jerry Lee Lewis
From Debussy to Thelonius Monk
It's the modern art of the human heart
The shape of things to funk, funk, funk
Let's see you do it, you always knew it
It's totally impossible to misconstrue it
In sight of the fact and in spite of the fashion
Living is a lap-top animated fashion
Pay no attention to the bones of contention
To the new-age boogie for the old-age pension
Let them stop and let them score
We'll get madder - we were born
Motivation is the new sensation
The fantasy keeps you fit
On the human assumption, you don't have the gumption
Get up and do your bit
Being daft is a therapy class
Which sharpens up your wits
Totally enthusic about the music
And it shows in the face you sit, sit, sit
Oh, let's get up and let's get excited
It's a public party and you're all invited
Let's cut the custard, see the mustard
Please hold steady 'till we're maladjusted
Sing boop-ba-de-boop, sing twiddle-de-de
Invite the Germans home for tea
Let them mock and let them sneer
Wise young crackpots know no fear
Emancipation that's sweeping the nation
Worldwide tonic funk
You can bet your boots on your own pursuits
History is bunk
From Rosemary Clooney to Jerry Lee Lewis
From Debussy to Thelonius Monk
It's the modern art in the human heart
The shape of things to funk, funk, funk, funk, funk
Thank you
I am an actual train
Believe it or not believe it or not
I carry you backwards and forth, south and north
On down the line and up
Before they shunt me into the final siding
I wish to make a few points
Whenever I have a breakdown
All my passengers start talking to each other
They can sit walk sleep or have a tidy as I hurtle along
Sometimes we track this line with decapitated schoolboy's heads
Still wearing their caps
Upon me at any given moment ten or twelve people might be taking craps
Over the points
I've transported enormous frivolity and fearful violence in my carriages
I've got compartments for sex, birth, death and occasional train spotters
marriages
Believe you me, there are some right eccentrics walking up and down my
corridors
Picture the consternation in my bogies when my drivers had a drink
All over the shop hundreds of people invariably male write our numbers down
We as trains are agreed that this is because we are extremely phallic
Nobody seems frightened on board us 'cos we hardly ever crash
We've been squashing pennies for well over a century
People love it when they're robbed
And they wave at us and are happy watching us going passed
Can you imagine how pleasant it is in general being an iron horse?
I'm quite chuffed
Last train to Wanking Panda
Last train to Wanking Panda
If you miss this one you'll never get another one
Iddybiddy arseholes to Wanking Panda
(TAKE YOUR ELBOW OUT OF THE SOUP)
YOUR'RE SITTING ON THE CHICKEN
To be simple and wise
Never tell lies
Always pick on someone my own size
Could be quite a thing
If I make it swing
I'll write you a letter or I'll give you a ring
Take your elbow out of the soup, you're sitting on the chicken
Take your elbow out of the soup, you're sitting on the chicken
Take your elbow out of the soup, you're sitting on the chicken
Holding you tight is extremely all right
If ain't called love then it ain't worth a light, sailor
To be sweet and true
To the likes of you
A promise that time will not undo
Would be truly smart
And when I make a start
I'll come and pick you up in the horse and cart
The mouse runs up your leg, it's one o'clock in China
The mouse runs up your leg, ooh, it's one o'clock in China
The mouse runs up your leg, oh, it's one o'clock in China
Oh for the wings of a dove, goodness me, I'm in love
Arms of love are open always, all around you closing theirs
You're a darling and I love you
Signed politely, one who cares
Take your elbow out of the soup, you're sitting on the kittens
Take your elbow out of the soup, you're sitting on the kittens
Take your elbow out of the soup, you're sitting on the kittens
Take your elbow out of the soup, you're sitting on the kittens
To be simple and wise
The war cry of the raging drunken sot
That sends unwelcome pangs right up your bot
It bellows forth from open windows all night long
Puts up on the thought of right and wrong
Uncoolohol
Uncoolohol
The war cry of the drinker of the drink
Can send your senses reeling to the brink
What's your poison breath and outlook
Puke and bile
Lose all sense of reason, humour, style
Uncoolohol
Uncoolohol
Uncool
The war cry of the boozer of the booze
In normal state of little left to lose
Pissed and witless blood and bandage
Not a care
Splashing noxious liquids everywhere
Uncoolohol
Uncoolohol
Uncoolohol
Uncoolohol
Uncoolohol
Uncoolohol
Uncoolohol
Uncoolohol
Uncoolohol
Uncoolohol
Uncoolohol
Uncoolohol
Uncool
HEY, HEY, TAKE ME AWAY
What's all this spunk on the duckboards?
Come on Lawrence... come on Lawrence...
Let's go out and have a prayer meeting
Take a chance with our new shotgun
Hey! Come on Lawrence!
It's time we escaped again, my son!
Oi!
Come on!
Hey, hey, take me away
I hate waking up in this place
There's nutters in here who whistle and cheer
When they're watching a one-legged race
And a one-legged prefect gets me in bed
Makes me play with his dick
One legged horn and he's shouting the odds
Driving me bloody well sick
When I get better, when I get strong
Will I be alright in the head?
They're making me well, if they're caring for me
Why do they boot me and punch me?
Why do they bash me and crunch me?
Some of the counterpanes are pink and other ones are, blue
Hey, hey, take me away
From the ones that go mad every night
They're crazy and dangerous one-legged sods
Who have to sit down when they bite
One-legged Peter who knows bloody well
He's got worse ever since he came in
This other poor cunt, he was born back-to-front
And he's always got stuff on his chin
When I get better, when I get strong
Will I be alright in the head?
Give me a sweet and accost me
I do hope that God hasn't lost me
The lino is brown and the walls have been scraped with blood where someone has
hanged themselves
(I hope so!)
Get it?
Hey, hey, take me away
I'm the first to put last in the past
Take the handcuffs away and please do what I say
'Cos I hate the untouchable cast
I want to be normal in body and soul
And normal in thought, word and deed
And everyone here will whistle and cheer
And be happy to see me succeed
Cheerful Charlie Ashforth
Now that I'm better, now that I'm strong
Will I be alright in the head?
Grey worry lines in all my designs
And life isn't rosy, it's red
As to why I wrote this song
I ain't done nothing wrong, but I'm unhappy
Question: Do you blame your life on life
And say it all began before the nappy?
Hey, hey, take me away, hey, hey, take me away
Hey, hey, take me away, hey, hey, take me away
Hey, hey, take me away, hey, hey, take me away
The mind is a very precious flower
That finds itself a strand amongst the weeds
The cause and effect is what you might expect
And going round the bend is where it leads
The elephant provides the ivory tower
It's better left to wander to and fro
Jumbo's got no chance when the poacher doth advance
With a ghastly poison arrow in his bow
Sometimes it all falls into place
Other times it sploshes in your face
On occasion grafting wins the day
Usually you wear yourself away
Is this fair we ask ourselves as we get our headaches bad backs
and complaints
Is this fair my little ones? Is this fair?
Oh no it fucking ain't
It's the way the cripple crumbles
It's the flaw of the jungle
Be reliable and humble
You'll be beggared if you bumble
A merry making catchall phrase
Twentieth Century malaise
It's on everybody's lips
I'm afraid you've had your chips
Manic depression, manic depression
It's not a pleasant fucker, pheasant plucker
Manic depression, manic depression
It's a hole full of soap, soul full of hope
Manic depression, manic depression
Life is all a bloody rush, a ruddy blush
Manic depression, manic depression
Memories are shoot and hip, hoot and shit
It's the way the cripple crumbles
It's the flaw of the jungle
Be reliable and humble
You'll be beggared if you bumble
A merry making catchall phrase
Twentieth Century malaise
It's on everybody's lips
I'm afraid you've had your chips
Manic depression, manic depression
It's not a pleasant fucker, pheasant plucker
Manic depression, manic depression
Life's a soul full of hope, hole full of soap
Manic depression, manic depression
Life is all a bloody rush, a ruddy blush
Manic depression, manic depression
Memories are shoot and hip, hoot and shit
Oi!, Rotten hat!
Where'd you get that hair-cut?
Brent Cross Shopping Centre?
I bet your mother fed you with a catapult
Oh, Mr. Shag Nasty
A bit of give and take
You call me a divvy
And I think you're a snake!
Oh, Mr. Knitting Crouch
Come on for heaven's sake
Stick your finger up your nose
'Cos you give me the ache!
Oh, Mr. Peanut
I don't like you at all
Not only are they poisonous
But your eyes are much too small
Oh, Mr. Pastry Draws
You haven't got a clue
So stick you finger up your nose
And paint your money blue!
I saw Monsieur of course you must joking
Oh yeah Mein Herr you must be up the creek
What's more Signor the finger that you're poking
That finger stands for reason so to speak
Oh, Mr. Horribleness
That's enough of that
You'll call me a ninny
And you're a stupid twat!
Oh, Mr. Dog's Breath
Why don't you piss right off!
Stick your finger up your nose, you toff
I'm sure Monsieur I know that you're a jubbly
Oh yeah Mein Herr for certainly you're cracked
What's more Signor you look a little bit wobbly
Let me suggest you put your finger back
For all your life's offences you ain't nothing but a creep
Your mouth is full of sugar, your guts are fast asleep
So stick your finger up your nose and leave it there for keeps
I hate you Mr Peanut you really make me weep
hahahaahaahahahahhahah
Moments of sadness moments of guilt
Stains on the memory stains on the quilt
Chapter of incidence chapter and verse
Subheading chronic paragraph worse
Lost in the limelight baked in the blaze
Did it for nine pence those were the days
Give me my acre and give me my plough
Tell me tomorrow don't bother me now
Fucking Ada, fucking Ada
Fucking Ada, fucking Ada
Times at a distance times without touch
Greed forms the habit of asking too much
Followed at bedtime by builders and bells
Wait 'til the doldrums which nothing dispels
Bodily mentally doubtful and dread
Who runs with the beans shall go stale with the bread
Let me lie fallow in dormant dismay
Tell me tomorrow don't bother today
Fucking Ada, fucking Ada
Fucking Ada, fucking Ada
Tried like a good 'un did it all wrong
Thought that the hard way was taking too long
Too late for regret or chemical change
Yesterday's targets have gone out of range
Failure enfolds me with clammy green arms
Damn the excursions and blast the alarms
For the rest of what's natural I'll lay on the ground
Tell me tomorrow if I'm still around
Fucking Ada, fucking Ada
Fucking Ada, fucking Ada
Fucking Ada, fucking Ada
Fucking Ada, fucking Ada
Fucking Ada, fucking Ada
Fucking Ada, fucking Ada
Fucking Ada, fucking Ada
Fucking Ada, fucking Ada
Fucking Ada, fucking Ada
Fucking Ada, fucking Ada
Fucking Ada, fucking Ada
Fucking Ada, fucking Ada
Fucking Ada, fucking Ada
Fucking Ada, fucking Ada
Fucking Ada, fucking Ada
Fucking Ada, fucking Ada
Fucking Ada, fucking Ada
Fucking Ada, fucking Ada
Fucking Ada, fucking Ada
Fucking Ada, fucking Ada
Fucking Ada, fucking Ada
Fucking Ada, fucking Ada
Fucking Ada, fucking Ada
Fucking Ada, fucking Ada
Fucking Ada, fucking Ada
Fucking Ada, fucking Ada
Fucking Ada, fucking Ada
Fucking Ada, fucking Ada
Fucking Ada, fucking Ada
Fucking Ada, fucking Ada
Fucking Ada, fucking Ada
Fucking Ada, fucking Ada
Copyright details - All compositions written by Ian Dury with
either Wilko Johnson, Norman Watt-Roy, Mickey Gallagher, Davey Payne, John
Turnbull or Charley Charles.
Originally published by Blackhill Music Ltd and Injunction
Enterprises, now published by Templemill Records Ltd.
No infringement of copyright is intended. The purpose of this site
is purely to encourage the sales of Ian Dury and the Blockhead records and
allow fans to appreciate the clever lyrics and sing along with the songs.